The Grieving Brain was written by psychologist and neuroscientist Mary-Frances O’Connor, whose research at the University of Arizona focuses on grief.
The book examines what we understand about grief as both a lived experience and a process involving the brain and neurotransmitters. It also traces how our understanding has evolved and explores new research in the field.
Grief is often discussed in terms of the whole person—how someone experiences, copes with, and works through it. Less commonly discussed are the processes happening in the brain and the role of neurotransmitters. O’Connor brings these dimensions together, offering an objective perspective on a deeply subjective experience. Much of the research she describes examines the brain activity of bereaved people using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) while they view photographs of their lost loved ones. Her findings suggest that there is no single “grief center”; rather, several regions of the brain become active.
People experiencing intense, persistent grief show activity in a reward-related region associated with yearning and craving. Other active regions are associated with pain and emotional processing. O’Connor’s work, along with that of other researchers, supports the view that grief affects not only the mind but also the body. Its effects can include disrupted sleep, changes in stress hormones and inflammation, changes in heart rate, and difficulty concentrating.
O’Connor also explains why grief plays such a significant role in our lives. Humans evolved to form bonds with caregivers and partners, which can increase the chances of survival. She discusses the brain’s spatial and temporal mapping: we form mental representations of the people we love and track where they are and when they will return. In this sense, loved ones become part of our mental maps. Separation causes distress and a longing for reunion; when a loved one dies, the brain struggles because its map no longer matches reality. Our brains also predict the presence of loved ones as part of familiar routines. After a loss, those predictions continue, and the brain must learn to function in the loved one’s absence.
O’Connor discusses the five stages of grief, a framework popularized by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s 1969 book On Death and Dying: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. She criticizes the framework for presenting grief as a linear process, even though grief is individual and often nonlinear. She also notes the lack of scientific validation for the model. One aspect of her critique that I appreciated is her point that the framework can harm people who are grieving. They may feel that they are grieving incorrectly if they do not experience every stage, or experience them in a different order, and may worry that they are not fully accepting their loss.
O’Connor also addresses grief on a personal and practical level. She explores how loss affects identity, routines, and plans for the future, as well as approaches people may take when coping, such as avoidance and rumination. She describes helpful ways to navigate grief, including sitting with the loss, talking about the person or situation with others, and taking breaks. She also emphasizes the importance of living in the present. Finally, she discusses people who experience profound, prolonged grief and continue to struggle with daily functioning a year or more after a loss. This condition is recognized in the DSM-5 as prolonged grief disorder. O’Connor stresses the importance of seeking professional help, distinguishes prolonged grief disorder from depression, and notes that the treatments differ.
Overall, this was a fascinating book to read. I appreciated its combination of scientific research and practical insight. Grief is something we are all likely to experience, and being prepared with tools to help us navigate it is essential.
The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss
Written by: Mary-Frances O’Connor
Published: 2022
Audible audiobook version of The Grieving Brain, narrated by Callie Beaulieu.
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