Having THE TALK with kids

No, not the sex talk – though that one is important too.

I’m talking about the sext talk.

Our kids are online, whether it’s chat channels on Roblox or Snapchat or DMs or whatever else.

We can lay down ground rules about only friending those they know in real life (IRL) but it’s increasingly likely that they will end up getting messages from someone they only know online, or participate in chats during game play.

And we can’t monitor everything all the time. It’s just not realistic.

The next best thing is making our kids aware – aware of the dangers that exist and aware of how they might look to us.

We can do it in a way that doesn’t make them afraid to go online or assume everyone is out to get them, but that makes them aware that not everyone is their friend, and the basic steps they can take to keep themselves safe.

I get it – parents don’t like talking about awkward topics with their kids. Having the period talk with daughters can be cringe, and talking about the basic clinical facts of sexual maturity, sexuality and gender issues, and yes, even intercourse, probably makes the average parent have serious anxiety and want to postpone, postpone, postpone. Surely I don’t need to have the sex talk with my 10 year old?!

But kids are growing up quicker these days, and being online and being exposed to more of the world earlier is certainly part of the equation. And something that hasn’t changed since we were young – kids learn a lot from their peers.

So if you want your kids to get the right information, it’s better coming from you. And if you want them to feel comfortable enough to come to you if they have any concerns about sex or their changing bodies, or any type of concerns, they need to know that it is safe to do so.

Even if your religious background stresses the importance of waiting until marriage to have sex, encourages modesty and modest dress, discourages mixed gender friendship, or other things of a similar fashion, please don’t kid yourself that somehow your child is not at risk for sexual exploitation.

And please don’t assume that your child will of course come to you to discuss something awkward or of a sexual nature, if you have never had honest, frank discussions about sex. Talking about sex to a parent when it is not something you’ve ever had to bring up before is SUPER AWKWARD.

Before your child ever gets to the point where they might need to have an awkward conversation about sex or sexting with you the parent, make sure you’ve prepared the way – having open, honest discussions about normal things – menstruation, sexual maturity and body changes, gender issues if necessary, dating or being interested in someone in that way, and yes, even sex.

Let them know this is something normal and healthy to talk about, and even though sex and content of a sexual nature is not something that is appropriate for children, sex is often a part of adulthood and it is something that they should be aware of.

A recent article by the Washington Post went into the very real threat of sexual extortion – if you’ve got a subscription check it out. Some salient points from the article:

the number of sextortion cases targeting young people has risen drastically – with teen boys being specific targets
At least a dozen boys died by suicide in 2022 as a result of sextortion according to FBI
getting parents involved immediately made the difference for those teens mentioned in the article. parents notified authorities and did the difficult work involved in protecting their teen from the threats received.
even teens who were talked to by parents about the threats of online interactions still ended up making poor decisions that resulted in the threats of exploitation – we have to remember that children and teens are NOT adults – their brains are still developing and they don’t have all the faculties needed to making the best decisions.

The WP article mentions several things to do if your teen is a victim of sexual exploitation.

1. Immediately stop responding and block the harasser. Do NOT delete the conversation so there is proof when reporting to the authorities. Do NOT send any money, even if the scammers have already sent explicit photos as this often encourages more demands. Report the incident to the platform – most have have a place to report sextortion (I’ve included some links below).

2. Notify the authorities. The article mentioned one parent’s frustration after contacting their local police and being informed that they could not do anything. So, while contacting local authorities might be helpful, definitely contact the FBI:
– find your local local FBI field office
– call 1-800-CALL-FBI
– report it online at tips.fbi.gov.

3. Report the abuse to the Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force or the to NCMEC through its CyberTipLine.

4. Sadly, there are teens who don’t have a parent or support system they can turn to for help in a situation like this. There are resources available for teens in need of assistance
– teens can send a message to the Crisis Text Line to and talk to a counselor.
– teens can call the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC)
– in a case where explicit content as been posted online, there is the NCMEC Take It Down service that victims under the age of 18 can reach out to.

Some helpful links for reporting attempted sextortion:

Facebook – scroll down to How to Handle Threats to Share Nude or Sexual Images of You on Instagram where there are steps to take to report someone who is threatening you.

Snap chat has information about safety when using the app and how to report threats, bullying, harrassment or other safety concerns.

Tiktok has a helppage that gives information on dealing with bullying online, and includes suggestions such as reporting profiles, increasing security of one’s profile, etc. Their help page did not mention sexual exploitation specifically however. They also give steps for reporting a user.

Roblox also has suggestions for staying safe while using Roblox, and how to report users.

As mentioned above, it is important to preserve the threats made as proof – so while it might be tempting to just delete and hope it all goes away – it is important to get screen shots of the interactions, even if it includes embarrassing information. When reporting threats to the authorities as well as to the app the threats were made on, photo evidence is very important.

Parents – have the talk with your kids. And then tell them again. This is not a single, one-time conversation. Revisit the topic, make sure they are aware of the threats that exist. Remind them of what NOT to do online. And then, be sure they understand that if for some reason, they end up in a bad situation, to come to you immediately, no matter how awkward or embarrassing. Let them know that you are the safe place for them to turn to in a situation like this. Our kids are not equipped with dealing with these problems alone, so lets give them the tools to be safe online and the information needed. And if all else fails, give them the reassurance that you are a safe person to come to if they end up in a bad situation online.